I started writing this piece over a year ago, things have changed but the thought of real happiness is one that likes to come up on a regular basis.
“I am sat here wondering about happiness, when is anyone ever truly happy in their life? We can never be happy all the time but what does it take to have the scales tipped more to the side of happy rather than the side of sadness and depression for a prolonged period of time?
I know I have so many things to be happy for but no matter what happens in life I always seem to feel like something is missing although I don’t know what that is. Maybe it’s that I am not where I hope to be in my career or life goals, maybe it is because I don’t really like the house I live in, maybe it’s because my health is going down hill faster than I can get into the doctors lol. Or maybe just maybe it’s because of the evil chemical imbalance in my brain? I believe all these factors play a part in why my scales are tipped to the darker side and why I find it difficult to sustain the lighter side.
Now I know that a lot of my thoughts are coming from my depression as I have realised that over the years that I have had that depression in me. I was bullied from the age of 5 by a girl called Abigail, I really don’t know why she didn’t like me but she always found a reason to do so, whether it be my weight or some other factor I don’t know. This was the start of my journey into the darkness of depression and where I believe my unhealthy attachment with food started.
Whenever I felt, and to this day feel, down I would eat the cycle goes like this… maybe you will relate. So I’m happy I eat, feel fat I eat, I feel bored I eat, something good happens I eat, something bad happens I eat and so on and so forth. I still do this to this day it is annoying and really doesn’t help with my confidence with being plus size.
One thing I do believe is that society plays a massive part in making us unhappy, everything we are shown is that no matter how much we have we should have more, no matter how thin we are we need to be thinner and fitter, now matter how much healthy food we eat or in some cases how much food we don’t eat it is never good enough for the socially acceptable norms that we are shown on T.V or in magazines.
It would be so nice to come to a point in my life where I can live more in the light and only have those rare glimpses of the darkness but just the small inconveniences not as bigger issues as I see them now.
I know that I am lucky to have what I have which is my house, my family including my amazingly supportive fiancée and my two gorgeous babies and what is left of my health. I just seem to always be searching for more that what I already have.
Is it ever possible to get rid of depression fully? I don’t know if it, I believe that it will stay with you for life but your choices of how to deal with it will determine the way and the amount that it will negatively impact your life.
I have found that since I moved house my depression has become stronger, I used to ground myself everyday when I was at the old house because I had grass to walk on, I could go outside put my feet on to the grass I would imagine my depression and negative thoughts would go into the ground like roots of a tree and then positive energy would come back up through them like water being sucked up helping me to grow spiritually. I need to find away to get back to that and to be able to push it all out of me again but it just doesn’t feel the same trying to ground on a concrete slab. This disconnection has had a huge impact on my Wicca practice as I feel consumed by the depression and I hate it.
I do find that writing helps, it enables me to focus my thoughts and find short-term release from some of them even if it is only for a couple of hours.
Maybe Wicca is what is missing which is why the depression has been able to get a deeper hold on me this time around?”
What do you all believe is the key to prolonged happiness? Do you think that it can be achieved and sustained? Let me know in the comments or contact me directly through messenger or email I would love to hear your views on this subject.
BB Sheryl xx